10 boundary mistakes
Do you have poor boundaries at work? I’m talking about:
📱Responding to work queries by text or WhatsApp
🧑🎓Letting students drop by your office all day every day
📧Checking in on email at the weekend
✍️Ditching your scheduled writing time because someone wanted a meeting.
Boundaries are something many of us socialised as women struggle with (we have to be helpful and nice, right?). But clear boundaries are essential for maintaining wellbeing and protecting against burnout. The problem is, many feel daunted by the prospect of setting and upholding them. Or they gave it a go and it didn’t work, and they feel resentful. But it’s your personal responsibility to withhold your boundaries.
I see this challenge a lot with my clients, who often feel overwhelmed, stretched thin, and stressed because they haven’t learned how to implement real boundaries and it feels awkward to do so. But once you practise communicating and honouring your boundaries, life becomes so much simpler.
Think of boundaries like setting the operating hours for a shop. You decide when the doors are open, what services are available, and when it's time to close up for the day. People can still knock after hours, but you’re not obligated to answer.
A lot of us get setting boundaries wrong. Take a look at the below (note you don’t need to actually say them out loud for them to exist as a boundary for you).
Not A Boundary: "I prefer not to get work emails at the weekend."
Actual Boundary: "If you send me work emails at the weekend, I will respond on Monday."
Not A Boundary: "This isn’t my job to deal with so don’t ask me about it."
Actual Boundary: "If you send me queries about this topic, I will divert you to the right person."
Not A Boundary: "I don't like to get work requests by WhatsApp."
Actual Boundary: "If you send me work requests by WhatsApp, I will not respond."
Not A Boundary: "Don't knock on my office door outside office hours."
Actual Boundary: "If you knock on my office door outside office hours, I will ask you to arrange an appointment or come back in the allotted hours."
Not A Boundary: "Don't add things to my calendar before checking my availability."
Actual Boundary: "If you add something to my calendar without checking first, I will decline the meeting."
Not A Boundary: "I don’t work past 5pm."
Actual Boundary: "If you ask me to work past 5pm I will decline."
Not A Boundary: "I can't take on any more work."
Actual Boundary: "You can ask me to take on more work, but I am not working more than 35/37/40 hours a week.”
Not A Boundary: “Don’t touch my hair/pregnant belly/tattoo"
Actual Boundary: "If you touch me I will leave the room and walk away."
Not A Boundary: "You can't feed my kids crap and sweets."
Actual Boundary: "If you keep feeding my kids junk food, I won’t let you watch them unsupervised."
Not A Boundary: "My love life is not up for discussion."
Actual Boundary: "If you start asking about my love life, I will go in the other room."
Not A Boundary: "I'll only eat at a restaurant with vegan options."
Actual Boundary: "If you suggest a restaurant without vegan options, I won’t be attending."
Not A Boundary: "Don't speak to me like that."
Actual Boundary: "If you speak to me like crap, I will end the conversation."
Setting boundaries isn’t about being rigid or difficult. It’s about being clear on what works for you and taking action when those limits aren’t respected. People have the right to request things of you and you have the right to assert your boundaries. It's also essential to follow through on what you've communicated—otherwise, the boundary doesn’t hold.
When we don’t uphold our boundaries or address boundary violations properly, we can fall into the habit of dismissing or downplaying them. Over time, this can lead us to question our own judgement and erode our confidence.
If you’re struggling with boundaries in your academic life, it’s time to take responsibility for what you can control. You don’t need to apologise for setting boundaries—start practising now, and over time, you’ll see how much smoother your day-to-day life becomes. Baby steps! Try it, and see that you don’t die and it’ll keep getting easier. And guess what? You don’t have to apologise or explain.
